Lead Yourself With Gentleness
Let’s be honest. We are hard on ourselves!
When we miss the mark or when we don’t perform the way we hoped…even when we fall short of a goal…
That voice can get loud and can sound like:
“You should have done better.”
“That was dumb.”
“What were you thinking?”
At least that was the voice in my head for many years. It still shows up from time to time — but now I catch it. And that has taken years of practice.
The Black Line at the Bottom of the Pool
At 13, I was fully committed to competitive swimming. Hours in the pool. Lap after lap. Staring at the black line at the bottom — back and forth, back and forth. My goal was simple: get faster.
Race day was everything.
I wanted to beat my time. I expected to beat my time.
And when I hit the wall, I looked up at the clock and saw that I hadn’t.
Tears. Anger. Defeat.
Then, asking myself in a not-so-nice way: After all that work? How could I not be better?
I would berate myself for hours. Sometimes days. My entire mood hinged on that number.
And what I didn’t realize then was that I was training more than my body; I was training a pattern.
A pattern of pressure and self-criticism.
A pattern of love being conditional on performance, and that pattern followed me into adulthood.
Miss a quarterly goal? Same story.
Lose a deal? Not good enough.
Fall short of a bonus? Beat myself up internally.
The cycle was exhausting — and it was fueled by a lie.
The Question That Changed Everything
Years later, through coaching and deep inner work, I asked myself one simple question:
What would you do if a five-year-old came to you feeling this way?
The answer was immediate: “I would scoop them up. I would hold them. I would tell them they are loved. I would remind them that one race, one deal, one mistake does not define them.”
And yet… I had never treated myself that way.
Gentleness was not modeled for me in my family, and certainly not self-gentleness. I had to learn it from scratch when I was much older and much wiser. (I hope you dont wait as long as I did!) And it didn’t happen overnight. It required awareness, practice, and interrupting the harsh voice to choose a new one.
But slowly, something shifted and is still shifting. Because of it, I feel different because I am different.
Leadership Begins Inside
Here’s what I know now:
The way you lead yourself is the way you lead others.
If you are ruthless inside, that energy leaks outward.
If you are patient and compassionate with yourself, that energy also expands outward.
When a colleague misses a promotion, we don’t tell them, “Try harder next time, you failed.”
We encourage them. Support them. Help them prepare for what’s next.
So why don’t we offer ourselves the same grace? Those parts don’t need criticism.
They need presence and gentleness.
A Different Way Forward
What if leadership, and I mean real leadership, begins with this:
Meeting yourself with compassion when you fall short.
Refusing to let performance define your worth.
Learning to say, “I’m human,” instead of, “I’m not enough.”
Because when you lead yourself with gentleness:
You create resilience instead of burnout.
You create growth instead of shame.
You create wisdom instead of fear.
And that kind of leadership radiates into your family, your friendships, your team, your community.
The most powerful leaders I know are not the harshest.
They are the most self-aware.
The most grounded.
The most compassionate.
Inside and out.
So today, I invite you to try something radical.
The next time you miss the mark…
The next time the inner critic rises…
Pause and ask:
“What would love do right now?”
Then lead yourself from there.
With heart,
Bronwyn
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